


The Bone Thieves

by skumhuu



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Thieves, Cat Burglars, M/M, Multi, Secret Identity, Secrets, Spicyhoneypuff, Underfell Papyrus (Undertale), Underfell Sans (Undertale), Underswap Papyrus (Undertale), Underswap Sans (Undertale), Vigilantism, classiccherryberry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:34:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21868174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skumhuu/pseuds/skumhuu
Summary: Stealing the key to your heart shall be my greatest crime, yet all the while I'm unaware that you have stolen mine long ago.
Relationships: Papyrus/Papyrus (Undertale), Papyrus/Sans (Undertale), Sans/Sans (Undertale)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 42





	The Bone Thieves

**Author's Note:**

> See endnotes for Chapter Warnings

Three o'clock in the morning.

The devil's hour. 

The hour where some claim that the veil between life and death was thin enough for spirits to cross over and cause chaos. Or maybe that was the paranoia of what may lie in the darkness speaking. Either way, three in the morning was either too late or early as hell. No one was up except people with night jobs, insomniacs, college students, or procrastinators trying to avoid the concept of tomorrow. 

There was also a fifth type.

Deep in the trenches of what could only be called a mansion if one was being modest, the silence was heavy enough that it would be a sin to break. Everything was stiff and impersonal, minimalistic in a way that only the rich could maintain. The house felt less like a home and more like a museum. Especially since there was even a security room with guards, watching the halls from their monitors as they sipped at their coffees.

Or they should have been, if they weren't all passed out in a heap on the floor drooling. Instead, a figure was sitting at the main desk, typing away as they watched the monitors.

Only then in the dead of night, under the cover of shadows and quiet, did something make a sound. At the end of a hall, up in the top corner of the wall, was a vent. Slowly, a screw began to twist in its socket, before falling out and hitting the floor with a soft 'tink!'. Another followed suit. And then another and another. Until, at last, the vent cover was freed. 

A hand reached out and grabbed the metal before the cover could go plummeting to the floor. Slowly, the metal square was dragged back into the dark vent, leaving a gapping maw of darkness behind. A pair soft blue dots appeared, before a dark form began to emerged out of the hole. The landing was gentle, barely a breath of sound could be heard as the figure crouched low to the floor.

Those blue lights darted around, thoroughly inspecting even the tiniest details. Deeming the room safe, they gracefully stood up, moonlight revealing an odd figure. 

They were wearing a dark navy blue one piece that went from the tips of their fingers to the their toes. A large sleeveless hoodie clung loosely to their form, draping low enough that it completely covered their abdomen and hips. The hoodie was a slate grey, the only exceptions being the hood and the front pouch, both a bright blue. The odd splash of color was nothing compared to their face.

They wore a mask of some sort. The white oval shell completely shielded their face from onlookers. The only part of their face that could be seen were their eyes. Two half circles were carved out of the mask, but nothing could be glimpsed at, the inside of the holes shrouded with pitch black darkness. The shadows only made those mysterious blue lights pop even more, most likely being eyelights of some sort.

A perament cheshire cat grin was etched into the design, the teeth the exact shade of blue as their eyelights. As a sort of contrast to the rest of the blue scheme the figure had going on, both cheeks were painted a mustard yellow, imitating tears falling from the gapping pits that were its eyes.

All in all, the mask appeared almost puppet like in nature. As though they were a marionette without the strings, free to do as they pleased. And so they did.

That figure went by the name Sans or, currently, the alias 'Sapphire'. 

A world renowned thief, the best of the best in his field. Well, one of them. Can't exactly say he was the best when he shared that spot with two others. (Not that he'd ever admit that to them, didn't want it getting to their heads.)

"What a beautiful night for a stroll." Sapphire sighed blissfully, walking silently down the long hallway. The full moon's gentle glow shone through the windows, the only thing lighting his path. Not that he needed the help, he could see just fine in any lighting. 

Coming to the end of the hallway, Sapphire paused.

"All clear." Came the tiny voice from the tiny earpiece on his right

Winking up at the camera locked on him, he threw the doors open with flourish. The typical security laser light system had been disabled, leaving several stands on display practically defenseless.

Just in case, Sapphire asked casually, "All clear here too?"

"Who do you take me for?" The voice shot back, mock offended.

"An asshole." Sapphire said.

Sapphire could practically hear the sharp grin on their face as they said, "But a thorough asshole."

Sapphire snorted, but said nothing as he stepped further in. Walking up to one of the glass cases placed on top of a stand, he leaned in and whistled.

"Fancy." Sapphire complimented the big ass emerald resting on a velvet pillow. The glass door swung open with ease, and Sapphire wasted no time plucking the gem from it's place. He tucked it underneath the front of his hoodie where it seemingly vanished. He moved onto the next, this one a ruby.

"Ooo a ruby, hey do you think it could be your cousin? I can totally see the resemblance." Sapphire teased. Into his hoodie the gem went.

"Stop flirting with the jewels like a weirdo." The tiny voice buzzed in his head.

"I will date a ruby out of sheer spite. I'll get to third base too, don't even try me." Sapphire said, quick on his feet as he hopped from case to case. 

Some held gems, and some precious jewelry. Rings were popped onto his fingers, necklaces looped around his neck, and other odd pieces were shoved unceremoniously into his hoodie.

Meanwhile the earpiece kept on buzzing, "That's fine, I've been meaning to tell you that I'm eloping with another sapphire in a week." 

"Wow, rude. " Sapphire monotoned, before turning to the final stand. 

This one was the largest of them all, and within was a large gold crown, absolutely covered in priceless gems.

"So this is the one?" Sapphire confirmed, stepping up to the stand.

"Yep, stolen a few years back by some rich asshole human with no sense of culture significance. Or taste. That thing is fucking gaudy as hell."

Picking up the surprisingly light crown in his hand, Sapphire placed it on his head and posed sweetly for the cameras. 

"You'd still fuck me in it." Sapphire flirted, and if he had eyelashes he would have batted them.

"Hell yeah I would." The voice said shamelessly.

Another voice abruptly popped up, this one on his left, and said, "What are you guys doing?"

"Being gross." Sapphire answered at the same time the voice purred, "Being sexy."

A soft laugh echoed through the line, before, "I'm almost finished over here if you wanna meet me in the main stairway, Sapphire."

"The one in the right-wing side of the building?" Sapphire asked, double checking to make sure he had managed to nick everything of value. 

"Mm-hm! That's the one!"

Making his way back through the vent he came in through, Sapphire navigated through several twists and turns before finding the right vent. Unscrewing the bolts, Sapphire dropped down in a hallway that had been very clearly ransacked, and very thoroughly too. Sapphire laughed when he spotted his fellow criminal trying to stuff as much as he could into a giant sack, almost like he was playing a game of jenga to try and keep everything properly situated.

"Heya, Aqua."

Blue, or his current alias 'Aquamarine', glanced up at the laugh before huffing and deciding that his assortment of goodies was stacked well enough. He pulled the drawstrings tight, sealing bulky yet priceless artifacts inside. Standing up straight, Aqua stretched his arms in the air before abandoning his bag in order to bounce over and pull Sapphire into a hug. 

"Sapphy!" Aqua chirped, before picking him up with ease. He twirled in a neat circle before lightly dropping Sapphire back onto his own two feet. 

Sapphire, all too used to sudden affections from the other, recovered quickly. 

"Nice crown, my liege." Aqua curtsied, tugging at the ends of his hoodie as though it were a gown.

"Thanks, you're not too shabby yourself." Sapphire said, adjusting the crown.

Whereas Sapphire's shades of blue were more soft, Aqua's blue was brighter and akin to his namesake. Over a similar one piece suit, he had on a grey hoodie with no pouch at the front and short sleeves flaring out slightly. The hood had an upside-down triangle at his forehead, giving his face a more heart shaped look. There was no color on his hoodie, except for a piece of blue (of course) cloth cinched around his waist, making the hoodie's bottom look more like a tight skirt than anything else.

On top of the typical one piece and hoodie style, Aqua wore durable leather boots and gloves, each ending at his knees and elbows respectively. His eyelights and teeth were an electric blue, making the neon magenta 'tears' running from his eyeholes pop even further. The half circle holes in his mask were the exact opposite of Sapphire's, the change giving him an 'excited' expression compared to Sapphire's more 'calm' look.

Over his typical outfit, Aqua had apparently found a fancy cape somewhere. He was clearly putting it to good use as he fluttered around, pausing to dramatically wave the cape in the air at Sapphire's words.

The voice spoke up, "You lovebirds done yet? I'm almost finished on my end of things."

"We're never done. Taking a while to finish is my specialty, any reason you're finishing so quickly?" Sapphire teased.

Aqua giggled. He hefted the giant sack back over his shoulder, before skipping alongside Sapphire like he was holding a bag full of helium.

"Oh ha ha, hilarious joke I'm about to bust a rib from laughing so hard. Remember the escape route?" He asked pointedly, ignoring Aqua'a groan at his pun.

Aqua and Sapphire shared a look, and Sapphire rolled his eyelights as Aqua chirped, "Exit on the left wing's furthest second floor window, go through the woods until we reach Merle Road, and wait to hitchhike with a handsome stranger who wants only wants some head for his selfless charity." 

"Got it in one, babe." They could practically hear his grin.

Jumping out of a second story window with a burlock sack full of priceless goods shouldn't look easy, but somehow Aqua pulled it off. Setting the bag down, Aqua waited patiently. Sapphire leapt out of the window next, wind whistling through his skull before landing in a pair of warm arms before he was set on solid ground once again.

Slipping his hand in Aqua'a free one, they ran across the lawn and disappeared into the brush. Now the third member of their group could delete all the evidence. Since they had used the wilderness to escape so many times before, the pitch black forest didn't instill any uneasy feelings in them. Aqua and Sapphire ran through the woods, careful not to trip over any logs or run face first into any branches. 

They came to a stop at the first road, making sure to stay hidden from any stray cars. Ten minutes passed, before a dingy and rust covered van pulled up right in front of them. With a harsh squeal, the front windows went down, revealing the grinning mask of none other than Red, or his current alias, Ruby.

"Get in losers, we're going shopping." Ruby said, arm hanging out the window as he leered at the two of them.

Ruby's attire was shockingly different when compared to Aqua and Sapphire's outfits. His outfit practically screamed the color red, from his dark red toes to the light pink fluff on his hood. His sleeves were snug against his body, ending at his elbows. Like Aqua, he was also wearing gloves, however his were much shorter and less rubbery looking.

His mask tears were purple, dripping down from the angry looking eye holes in his mask. The teeth etched into his mask were sharp and jagged as though he were about to bite down. Somehow, his mask managed to look both angry and smug, a feat only Ruby could pull off so well.

All in all, Ruby looked like an angry shark that had just finished a rather bloody meal.

Sapphire quickly stole shotgun, sliding into the passenger's side and buckling up. Aqua sighed when he saw what Ruby had chose as their getaway car this time, and his annoyance only worsened when he hopped inside the back doors and saw the ripped up interior. 

"We could afford to use a Lamborghini as a getaway car, but instead we use this piece of scrap metal. Where's the pizzazz? You could have at least thrown some cool paint on it." Aqua said, picking at a piece of fluff sticking out of one of the backseat's rips.

"Hey, don't diss the bonemobile." Ruby defended his precious bucket of bolts.

Aqua continued to remain unimpressed, "I swear you choose something more and more horrendous every heist just to spite me."

"Now that's just rude. Babe, you know that I would never do that to you." Ruby said in a tone that said that he totally would, has, and will again.

"Aqua's kinda gotta point. We look like we're about to offer little kids free candy." Sapphire shrugged.

"In that case, wanna suck on my jawbreaker?" Ruby purred, leaning in to nuzzle the side of Sapphire's throat.

Rolling his eyes, Sapphire shoved a hand in his mask and pushed him away despite the spark of interest in his own pelvis. 

"Down boy, keep your eyes on the road. Safety first and all that jam. Also, you better put your seat belt on or Aqua is gonna wrap you in bubblewrap." Sapphire said.

"You're not wearing your seatbelt?!" Aqua nearly shrieked, and Sapphire had a front row seat to Ruby hastily scrambling for the buckle as Aqua threatened to take over driving for the rest of the ride and tell Edge and Papyrus when he next saw them. 

"Snitch." Ruby hissed.

Sans only flipped him the bird. Dumbass should've worn his seatbelt.

Despite getting several lectures on safety 101 and a thorough scolding to tops things off from Aqua, they got to the safe house in one piece. To make up for yelling at him, Aqua was all over Ruby the moment they got through the door.

"Let's end this 'date night' in style." Aqua purred into the side of his throat, his chin hooked over his shoulder as his arms snaked around Ruby's waist.

Not even bothering to hide the shiver of heat that went up his spine, Ruby grinned and said, "I like the way you think, Aqua." 

Slidding his mask up, Red slyly pressed a kiss against his boyfriend's mask. Giggling, Aqua pulled away to remove his own mask before pulling Red into a proper kiss.

Sapphire ignored them for the moment, heading over to their safe to lock up the goods. They still needed to put all of the heavy stuff away, but that was Aqua's job and he was 'busy' at the moment.

He turned on his phone to make sure the world hadn't imploded while they were away, only to frown. A missed call from Paps? He knew they didn't answer their phones on date night. A twinge of worry flared in his chest. Dialing up his brother's contact, Sapphire tapped his foot as he waited.

Papyrus picked up on the second ring, "Sans?"

"Heya, Paps, something the matter?" 

"Oh, not anymore." Papyrus said, voice light and peppy.

That immediately set his 'big brother' alarms off. "What happened?" Sans asked. Both Red and Blue paused at the tone, sending Sans a questioning look. He shrugged, but they didn't return to making out. Instead they watched, ready to spring into action.

"I'm fine now! Edge and Stretch offered to keep me company for the night and everything is better now that you answered my call." Papyrus said, because that wasn't suspicious in the slightest.

"Papyrus." Sans said, using his stern voice.

There was a pause, as though Papyrus was wilting under the pressure, before saying quietly, "There was a holdup at a restaurant downtown and it was near where you said you were heading. It was all over the news. I got worried that something might have happened, but it's clear that you're okay so I'm just going to hang up now-"

Sans cut him off with a gentle but firm, "Paps."

"Yes?"

"I'm safe. Red and Blue are safe. All three of us are okay and we're coming home now." Now Red and Blue looked alarmed at his words. Sans waved them off, but that wasn't enough this time. They untangled from each other, walking over to try and listen in. Well, Blue did. Red was turning on his own phone, frowning when several notifications lit up his screen.

"What? No, I'm fine! It's not that big a deal." Papyrus insisted.

"It is if you've been pacing for the past few hours."

Sans had been guessing but judging by his brother's guilty silence, he had guessed right.

"It's way too late for you to be driving." Papyrus said at last. The protest was weak, more telling than anything he had said so far.

"We'll drive slow. See you soon. Love you, bro." 

"Okay... I love you too, brother. Stay safe please." Papyrus murmured, sounding relieved.

"We will, I promise." Sans paused before adding on, "Oh, and Paps?"

"Yes?"

"Tell Edge and Stretch to stop hovering and to get some rest, I can practically feel them breathing down your neck." Sans teased.

"Only if you do the same with Blue and Red!" Papyrus returned cheekily, making Sans laugh.

With that, he hung up.

"What's wrong?" Blue asked, only having heard the last part of the conversation.

"Apparently a restaurant got robbed or something. Our bros thought that we had gotten caught up in it. Check your phones, they probably called you." He'd be shocked if Stretch and Edge hadn't called, especially since Papyrus had.

Edge seemed to be blowing up Red's phone via text message which was odd. He was the type to call twice and if they didn't pick up then he'd start coming for them. Sans was surprised that Papyrus and Stretch had managed to keep him from going out and hunting them down then and there.

Blue hissed in sympathy, before turning on his own phone and wincing when his phone buzzed a couple times with alerts for unread messages. 

Red tapped out a quick message to his brother before he said, "I'll go get the car warmed up. You guys bring in the rest of the shit and get out of your suits." He wasn't even done talking before he threw his hoodie off and began peeling off his bodysuit. He ducked out the backdoor while Blue and Sans put the goods into the safe. They got changed in record time, throwing on their usual outfits and sneaking out the same way Red did.

Even though Red seemed like he wanted to rush home as fast as possible, he knew better than to drive recklessly when that was exactly what Papyrus had been worried about.

When they got home, Papyrus threw the door open just as Sans went to unlock it and scooped him up into a tight hug. Then, after some babbling and reassurances, Papyrus also hugged Blue and Red just as tightly. Blue enthusiastically returned the hug, while Red stiffened like a startled cat before chuckling and hugging back. Stretch and Edge hovered just behind him, and Sans was startled when Stretch pulled him into a hug as well.

Blue was handed off to Stretch, who hugged him just as tightly. Edge only cuffed Red on the side of his skull, telling him to, "Be more careful, idiot."

They seemed a lot better after seeing the tiny skeletons in person, tension leaving them the longer Papyrus and Edge scolded Red for not wearing a seat belt (Blue tattled) before Papyrus shooed them to bed. Of course not before placing a gentle goodnight kiss on Sans's skull.

They all piled into Sans's bed and immediately crashed. Even Blue who was, as always, disgusted by his boyfriends' gross way of sleeping, passed out easily.

✖✖✖

_They were screaming. Make it stop, make it stop, make it **stop**. _

_Suddenly everything went deathly quiet, still as a graveyard. A strange humming filled the air. A harsh grinding joined in, echoing through the air like the most vomit inducing harmony. It turned and all he could see was a giant gapping maw. Jaws mashed together, jagged teeth barely fitting together in the misshapen mouth, threatening to chop down if only they got the chance. Eyes locked with his, pupils dilating and shrinking rapidly. Sans-_

"You're up early." 

Sans blinked, saved from nearly drowning in his cup of coffee by a gloved hand propping his head up by his forehead. Papyrus inspected his face, and Sans only smiled calmly as he brought up his coffee to take a sip. Mm, the sugar cubes had finally dissolved. Red called his coffee sludge, but he put so much cream in his that his coffee was basically a cup of milk with a splash of java.

"Hmmm, you don't look like you've been body snatched by aliens, so what is the matter, brother? Are you not feeling well? Come down with a rare disease that can only be cured with ketchup?" Papyrus asked, hand still resting on his forehead as though he were trying to take Sans's temperature through his gloves.

Sans smiled, "I'm fine, Paps. Really."

Papyrus still seemed unconvinced, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Eleventy one." Sans said almost instantly, pretending to squint real hard at the hand his brother was waving in front of his face.

Papyrus gasped dramatically, "Oh no! I'm holding up eleventy three fingers! You must be dying!"

"Paps, your thumbs don't count." 

"Oh." Papyrus blinked, "Well then, I guess you're completely fine if you can count all of my fingers, imaginary or otherwise. Especially so if you have the energy to sass me about thumbs."

Sans winked.

"Anyway!" Papyrus carried on, turning to get out a few pans, "Care to explain why you are awake so early? Did the bed bugs bite?"

"Nah, no bed bugs. Just bed skeletons, you know how it is." Sans said after a moment.

Instead of groaning at the horrible pun, Papyrus only hummed, clearly waiting him out. For a few moments the only sound in the room was the gentle clink and clang of Papyrus messing around with kitchen utensils, and the low-key annoying drone of the tv out in the living room. Sans was a great liar, but Papyrus had always been his weak spot. Lying to him was like kicking a puppy, and more often than not Sans found himself lying to his brother anyway. 

"I had a nightmare. It was... pretty intense." Sans admitted, guilt gnawing at him when Papyrus paused, clearly surprised. 

Setting a carton of eggs back onto the kitchen counter, Papyrus returned to Sans and pulled him into a hug. Sans immediately melted, a soft sigh escaping him. They stayed like that for several moments, gently rocking from side to side. One would think hugging while sitting and bent over would be awkward, but Sans and Papyrus always had a way of slotting together like two puzzle pieces.

Pulling away, Papyrus met Sans with smile, "Thank you for telling me, Sans. I'm sorry you had to deal with that." 

For some reason, Sans could feel his face heating up at the soft note in his brother's voice. He willed his face to cool, averting his eyelights before saying, "It's fine, I honestly feel much better now that you're here. Papy-hugs cure everything."

Papyrus snickered.

"Of course they do, I am the great Papyrus after all."

"You sure are."

Papyrus opened his mouth to say something, before blinking when something blared from the tv. Sans groaned, knowing that sound. Their tv had been on the fritz for weeks now, going all static-y and annoying until just when Sans was about to launch a bone attack through the screen it decided to suddenly work again. Then a few hours would pass before the cycle began anew. Sans was tempted to go buy a new tv every time this happened, but he had always felt too lazy to.

"I'll go deal with the tv real quick, brother." Papyrus said, now pulling away completely to go fiddle with the remote in the other room. 

Sans only nodded, ignoring the way he immediately felt colder as soon as Papyrus wasn't touching him anymore. Instead of focusing on the way he could still feel the phantom sensation of Papyrus's arms, he chugged his coffee. The stunt would have burned his tongue. Good thing he didn't have one.

He only stopped when he heard the tv start working again, playing some random channel. Sans wasn't sure, he couldn't make anything out. Whatever was on seemed to have caught his brother's attention, because when Sans leaned back in his chair to peek, he could see Papyrus watching intently. 

"Something the matter?" Sans asked.

Papyrus glanced over, before sighing again. "Last night. It scared me. I don't know what I would do if any of you got caught up in that sort of mess." He admitted, staring down at the remote in his hand.

"Aw, Paps. We were nowhere near there, I promise. Besides if something did happen and things got out of hand me or Red could always shortcut us out of there. I know we're not supposed to use our magic, but it would probably be warranted in that sort of situation."

"Still... There's been so much crime and awful things happening lately. It's hard not to worry. I don't know what I'd-" Papyrus cut himself off, realizing that he was getting emotional.

Sans let Papyrus collect himself, relaxing back in his chair. He had been about to leave his seat to comfort him, but Papyrus reeled his emotions in before Sans could do anything. Sans turned back in his chair, tapping his fingers on the table as he waited for the topic to pass. Like his nightmare, it seemed that Papyrus didn't want to talk about last night. It would be pretty hypocritical of Sans to push for more.

Things were quiet. Not uncomfortable, but not relaxed either.

"I just wish that the police had put more care into the matter." Papyrus said, rather delicately.

Sans winced. From what he had gleaned of the incident, the restaurant in question had been monster owned, and it was very clear that if there hadn't been human customers there, then it would have been up to the Guard to try to stop the robbers.

Human authorities tended not to put too much effort into human on monster crime. Because of this, Monsters usually went to the Royal Guard when something bad happened. Sure, some humans cared and did their job like they were supposed to, but the risk of being put under the microscope by someone who had the power to twist the information around on the victim, well, that was too steep a price. 

Many crimes had gone unnoticed that way, victims too scared to come forward on the high chance that everything would be turned on them. It was a sad reality, one that Papyrus didn't seem to be comfortable acknowledging. He always tried to believe in the best of people, and that those who did bad things could do better. 

"Things will get better. We just have to wait!"

He wasn't prepared for the next question that slipped through his brother's teeth.

"Oh! That reminds me! Did you hear about the recent Bone Thieves incident?" Papyrus asked.

Sans was glad that Papyrus was in the other room because he almost choked.

Wiping at his mouth, Sans said, "What? There was an incident? When?" He didn't dare turn around again, instead practically drowning himself in his coffee as he waited for Papyrus to respond.

"The one from a few weeks ago, silly! The press just released all the police reports on what they stole this time. I think it was on the news yesterday, before the, um, robbery." He trailed off awkwardly.

Oh, that one. Not the grand theft that they had committed just a few hours ago. Sans relaxed slightly.

"I heard a bit about it, not much though." Sans said.

"They stole a bunch of paintings this time! Some of them were priced in the hundreds of thousands! It's shocking that no one has caught them yet! How could they manage to continuously slip past the authorities? You'd think that they would slip up at least once." Papyrus said, and Sans fought back a wince.

It was no secret that all of the Papys disliked the Bone Thieves. Sans wasn't sure when the shift happened, but one day it was like a switch had been flipped and they suddenly couldn't stand the thieves. Which, ouch, but Sans could see where they were coming from.

Stealing was wrong and knowing that someone was out there, making a living out of doing bad things, well, Sans could see why their brothers wouldn't approve. Even Stretch seemed to get a disgusted look in his socket when they were brought up.

Not that that stopped them from donning their suits and pulling off heists.

"I have no clue." Sans answered honestly, pausing to sip at his coffee before saying, "There's probably a trick to it that the police aren't getting. Like some sort of method to their madness." 

"That sounds as though they'd have to think like the thieves to catch them. I don't think anyone who truly wants to uphold the law would be able to find them then." Papyrus said, and Sans could practically hear the frown in his voice.

"Probably takes a criminal to catch a criminal." Sans said absentmindedly, thinking of his early days with Ruby and Aqua. 

The only times he had been caught in the act was by them and vise versa. Those days had been pretty fun.

"Either way, I don't really care what they do as long as I can run my hotdog stand in peace. Its up to the police or the Royal Guard to catch them." Sans finished.

He waited for Papyrus to answer, only to blink when nothing came. Papyrus was quiet, long enough so that curiosity won out over laziness. Sans got to his feet and padded over to the doorway into the living room. Leaning against the trim, Sans rested his skull against the cool wall.

Papyrus was standing in front of the tv, hand around the remote as if he had been in the middle of changing the channel. It seemed as though someone had pressed the pause button on him, because he more looked like a statue than a monster.

"Whatcha watching?" Sans asked, wondering what could be so interesting on at this time of the day. He could faintly pick out the distinct sound of Mettaton's voice, peppy and bright.

Papyrus didn't answer, staring at the tv with a strangely intense expression. 

Taking a sip of his coffee, Sans tried again to get his attention, "Paps?"

"Huh?" Papyrus blinked dumbly as he finally came to his senses, "Ah, sorry brother, I was lost in thought. I'll go make breakfast now." He said, fiddling with the remote for a moment longer before finally pressing the power button on the remote. 

Setting the remote back on the coffee table with an odd gentleness, Papyrus walked away from the tv and past Sans into the kitchen without another word. He seemed thoughtful. Sans followed him, letting his brother sort out his thoughts. He watched from the table, sipping at his cup as Papyrus measured out pancake mix into a bowl.

Sans wondered if Mettaton had come up with a new show pitch or something. That had to be it. He shrugged the whole incident off, returning to his sweet, sweet coffee. They settled into a comfortable silence, Sans fighting not to fall asleep as he listened to the sound of sizzling bacon. Half an hour later, their guests finally woke up.

"Morning!" Blue called, bouncing down the stairs carrying Red bridal style.

"Good morning!" Papyrus greeted, flipping a pancake.

Red didn't seem to mind, only grumbling about the fact that he had been ripped away from his precious beauty sleep. Even that died down when Sans slid over two extra cups of coffee just how they liked it, smiling when Blue planted a kiss on his cheek in gratitude. Sans didn't know why he was being thanked, Blue liked his coffee black like some sort of masochist. If anything Sans was condemning him to torture.

Setting the skeleton into a chair, Blue skipped over to Papyrus's side to assist with breakfast. 

With nothing to stop him from falling asleep, Red slumped to the side, nuzzling into Sans like the most cuddly porcupine to ever exist. All the while he held his cup of coffee to his mouth, blearily taking sips, uncaring that he was dangerously close to spilling the hot beverage all over everything. Sans didn't mind being in the potential splash zone, wrapping an arm around Red's waist to keep him from falling over.

Sans and Red relaxed together at the table while Blue and Papyrus buzzed around like busy bees.

"Hey, could you make my pancake shaped like the moon?" Red asked suddenly, his first words of the day.

Sans perked up, and was quick to tack on, "Actually that sounds pretty good, but could you make mine shaped like a flying saucer?"

Both Blue and Papyrus paused as their words registered, before exchanging 'looks'.

Blue smiled sweetly, "Sans, Red, you know that I love you both with all of my heart, right?"

"Yep." "Totally."

"So when I say this, I mean it in only the best way possible."

"Okay." "Sure."

Blue took a deep breath before he said, "If it weren't for my impeccable self control, I would have broken up with you after a joke as bad as that. Broken heart be damned."

"Aw, my soul would totally be shattering right now if you weren't making such a 'hearty' meal." Sans said, resting his cheek on one hand giving Blue the dopiest look he could manage.

Red snrked.

Blue's eye twitched. "That's it. We're through."

"Oh noooooo, Blue I'm sorry I didn't mean it." Sans said, trying to keep a straight face and failing.

"Nope, I'm drawing up the divorce papers now. You will be hearing from my lawyer. That includes you as well, Red." Blue said with a huff, turning to flip a pancake.

"Nooooo." Red and Sans whined unison. Sans at least tried to hide his grin, Red on the other hand did nothing to quell his shit-eating smirk.

Pancake now saved from getting extra crispy, Blue didn't bother glancing up at Papyrus as he said, "It seems that I am now single. Not to be abrupt or anything, but will you marry me, Papyrus?"

Papyrus tapped his chin thoughtfully, "I don't know, Blue, I do have very high standards after all! Is there anything to help sweeten the deal?"

"I have animal shaped rubber-band bracelets."

Papyrus giggled, "Why, how could I resist something as attractive as a rubber bracelet shaped like a giraffe?"

"Exactly. You can't!" Blue said with a wise nod.

"Fine then! I gracefully accept your proposal!" Papyrus said.

Blue grinned, "Excellent! We will wed in the spring!"

Papyrus gasped, swooning dramatically into Blue's ready arms, "I've always wanted a spring wedding!"

Blue caught him, dipping the taller skeleton with an ease. They stared at each other for a long moment, before dissolving into silly giggles. Blue pulled Papyrus back onto his feet, a ridiculous grin on his face as Papyrus twirled him like a ballerina.

Sans rested his cheek on one hand, content to let the two dance. Red, as always, never failed to be a chaotic gremlin.

"Huzzah! Congrats to the happy couple." Red called, chucking dry rice at Blue and Papyrus.

No one had any idea where he got the rice, but Sans had to admit that the look on their faces was priceless. Of course once first blood had been shed, Blue and Papyrus couldn't take the attack lying down. They were quick to double team Red, grabbing pancake mix and flinging it in his face.

Red sneezed, absolutely 'caked' with mix from skull to toe.

"You look like you're about to tell me about my Christmas future." Sans snickered. 

Red flicked rice at him.

"Boo." Red deadpanned, before grinning. The war had begun, and Red always played for keeps.

That was how Edge found them, rice and pancake mix scattered all over the floor. Somehow by some miracle, Papyrus and Blue had managed to finish breakfast during their impromptu food fight. They were all sitting at the table, eating and occasionally flinging random bits of food at one another. 

"What in the world-" Edge was cut off by a bit of bacon hitting him square in the forehead.

Clearly, Red had a death wish. Not that Sans cared or anything. Red was dead to him after somehow managing to get syrup in his socket. Dead. To. him.

Stretch popped his head into the kitchen doorway, sniffing the air appreciatively before he said, "Hell yeah, pancakes! Hey, can mine be shaped like a frisbee?" He was rewarded with a pancake to the face.

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter Warnings: None (for now ;D), Maybe a brief mention of a nightmare but it doesn't really go into detail.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! <3  
I have no idea how I want to write this fic lol Just warning you guys in advance, updates will be very slow since my other fic is top priority atm!
> 
> Here a ref of their outfits:


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